July 20, 2009

Mayor Bloomberg Gives “Goose” Gossage the Scare of His Life

Hall of Fame pitcher Rich “Goose” Gossage got more than he bargained for when he showed up at Yankee Stadium for Old Timer’s Day. Gossage, a hero from the 1970’s Yankee teams, barely escaped being the city’s latest casualty in Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to kill geese at LaGuardia and Kennedy airports. Bloomberg, upon hearing that “Goose” was in the stadium, summoned the city’s elite Geese Eradication Team (GET), and that was when chaos ensued.

“I’m laughing and joking with Don Zimmer in the outfield,” recalled Gossage after the ordeal, “And next thing I know I got a SWAT team with nets and tranquilizer guns coming after me.” Gossage was able to flee into the Yankee dugout, and stayed there until his safety was assured.

Never known for his foot speed, Gossage impressed many onlookers as he ran into the dugout. Zimmer said that he looked “kind of like a flailing quail,” but that he made it from left field to the dugout in record time. Reggie Jackson remarked that he didn’t think this was the first time Gossage had been chased by uniformed men with nets and tranquilizer guns.

Though apologetic, Mayor Bloomberg chose to highlight the positives from an embarrassing incident. “We almost cooked the wrong goose today, but our team was fully operational and at the stadium within seven minutes of receiving my command.”

[This story is satire, and should not in any way be taken as fact]

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